Update on my world..

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written anything here.. and a LOT has happened. 😁😭💔❤
1.) My Daughters
My daughter Kristina has 3 children now. William is 8; Audreyana is 5; and Alaina is 3. She’s happily married and doing great.
My daughter Danielle graduated from Drake, and has a great job that she really likes.

2.) My Mom
Was diagnosed in May 2016 with Stage 4 breast and lymph node cancer. Her Dr said she was full of cancer.., and wouldn’t make it 😥 but after research on finding a Dr that believes in the power of positivity and prayers, my Mother is now 100% cancer free!.. but not without many struggles along the way. She lost her hair, her strength, and some of her daily activities.. but she never lost her way!. She ended up having to complete chemotherapy and radiation treatments for a few months..; she had surgery to remove the cancer; and the Dr’s at Loyola Hospital (Cardinal Bernadine Cancer Center in Mayfield Illinois, a suburb of Chicago) feel that she did great and that everything is going to be fine with her she, she still has to have check-ups done to make sure that the cancer is gone, but so far so good knock on wood! 🌳

3.) Me…myself…& I
Hmm… not sure where to start so I’m just going to start from the top….
💔My marriage is over after 28 struggling years of being together the towel has been thrown in. Part of me feels lonely, sad, distraught. and angry.. ; but my life is important and I deserve to be happy.
David’s gone through a lot of depression, and I’ve gone through a lot of depression, but the thing that’s different is that I wanted to get better and unfortunately he had different thoughts at that time. He had electric shock therapy (ECT) treatments and this ruined his long term memory and affected his short-term memory… which means that he totally forgot about our life…he knows bits and pieces, but that’s about it…every time that I would try to bring up something that was happy, he wouldn’t remember and then, when we would do something brand new a week later he wouldn’t remember that either.. 😞 and it just became way too stressful I couldn’t handle it. I would tell him that I love him and we would get into arguments because he wouldn’t say it back… he started pulling away and when my mom got diagnosed with cancer I came to the Quad Cities to stay with her to help her get through it, and when I would go back to Des Moines for doctor’s appointments or to just visit for a while, all we would do is argue. I would either cry myself to sleep there or drive back to the Quad Cities in tears. It just became too much…my health was getting bad, my stress was getting worse, and all I could think about was that I wanted to end my life. Life is too important for me to think that way…I know that there’s a lot more out there for me to hold on to, it’s just that the struggle is real.
So I decided after being with my mom for a year to just pack up and move to Davenport… a lot has happened since then my struggles are getting worse as far as family goes. Danielle has basically washed your hands of me, she stated that there’s a lot of things that she needs to think about and she’ll get back to me and let me know how she’s doing. The problem that I have with that, is in the interim.. she has no problem with hanging out with her dad on a daily basis, she has no problems with celebrating holidays with him, or just doing dinner every once in awhile, calling him all the time, texting him, etc… I haven’t heard of her in a very long time.. the last time we spoke to each other was in October when I went to Des Moines to get some of my things. We all got into it; Kristina, Danielle, David, & myself… it was a very hard day. I left there bawling my eyes out calling my mom telling her that all I wanted to do was ram my car into a brick wall, or disappear and never come back. Well obviously I didn’t do that…I’m still here…which is a good thing. I have a lot of people who care about me… and no matter what I do they constantly fight for me, so I have to fight for myself too.
I still live in Davenport… I’m on my own, I live in a loft! I’ve never lived alone before!!, but I’ve actually been doing it since July now. It’s pretty rough… struggling with income (I’m on disability), but on a daily basis it gets easier… the walls were very unforgiving, the couch was very comfortable, and the bed was very inviting… I found myself wanting to not do anything! So now I have a puppy! 🐕 her name is Reygan; she is 4 months old and such a cuddler!! (Brindle Lab/Pit mix). She can be quite the handful with getting into things that she’s not supposed to be getting into, chewing up my things that she’s not supposed to be chewing on, but still just being all out loving! She has really been a big help! We go on walks, we play, she keeps me active (when my back isn’t going crazy).
My war with narcotics is over! I have a grasp on it, but I still struggle as far as pain goes and stuff feeling that I need something to take it away… I know that I’m stronger 💪 than the narcotics!, but the colder I get… the more I want them to help stop the pain. 😒
My struggles with E.D. is still pretty active 😞… I’m still skipping meals; active in the bulimia; and self harming. I know this isn’t the way to do things!, but.. when I feel like I don’t have a handle on life.., I have to show life that I can get a handle on me.
My heart ❤ is still struggling with the way things are going: with my marriage; my daughters; and my independency.. but.. I’m taking it one step at a time!.

Coming to the conclusion of this..
Struggles will always be there…, we just need to find a way to push past it.
More to come soon….

This was written in 2017

Goodbye to ED (my eating disorder)

This letter was writing while I was at the Renfrew Eating Disorder Center. I was told by my therapist there to write the letter as if I was saying goodbye forever. She told me that she wanted me to write it as if I had been ED clean for a year, then read it, and live it.

—-
Dear Ed,
You’ve been a part of my life for 39 yrs now, it’s time to say goodbye to you and move on through my life’s journey. You were there when nobody else wanted to be. You made me feel alive at times and you even helped me through tough issues that I had to go through.
When Walter (bio grandfather) molested me, you were there. When mom & dad were drinking & fighting, you were there. When Matt (my 1st husband) hurt me verbally, physically, & emotionally, you were there. Always a loyal friend.
Thank you for always being around when I thought I couldn’t get through my issues. You helped me with my diets, you helped me with my body issues, you even helped me hide behind myself & think I wasn’t good enough to be seen or heard.
I’m writing this letter to you, because as I already stated, it’s time we break up. I need to learn how to live, how to handle stress, & how to cope on my own. Please understand me when I say, “IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU!” With the help from Renfrew, I am now understanding that you NEVER had good intentions for me. You made it so I hated myself, my body, & my own feelings.
I am better now, it’s been a year since we’ve been together and I have learned to love myself, my body, & my emotions. I have been able to become the healthy Donna that you tried to hide. My family loves me just the way that I am, all my faults, mistakes, & body.
I know what signs to look for to see you again. That would consist of me saying, “I don’t need to eat”, “I look awful in this outfit”, “I need to eat all this junk food to feel better”. Once I say those words to myself, I will then know you are trying to creep back into my life.
One year ago I woke up and decided that I didn’t want drugs in my life, and that I could live a normal life without you in it. Those decisions were the best things that I could have done for myself.
So as this letter ends, I say goodbye to you forever, & I also ask that you please do not try to come back as little Donna & grown up Donna have moved on to bigger and better things.
Never yours again,
Donna—

Please note —–

After leaving Renfrew, I went to Iowa City hospital for their eating disorder program. A lot of things changed while I was at the hospital. I still had to follow the basic food groups but I was told that I had to eat more than I did at Renfrew. That was very hard to do, and I honestly tried to follow the guidelines. I left there after 3 weeks of going through their treatment. I am still struggling with my eating disorder…it’s been so hard to eat 3 meals a day..especially since Vince passed away. I think I have probably followed the basic food group program like 1 or 2 days since he passed away. I haven’t been bingeing which is excellent!!! I am so very proud of myself! I have purged a few times, and that’s bad…I’m trying to work on this…I’m trying to eat the right foods and do the right thing. It’s just so hard!!! I weigh myself 3 times a week and it shows a gain when I eat my 3 meals…and a loss when I only eat 1 meal or nothing at all that day. My therapist told me that I am setting myself up for a binge if I don’t start eating 3 basic meals a day…but I see it differently. If I don’t binge and I don’t eat, then I should be losing weight which is great!!!!

I need to give the same devotion to ED that I give to my sobriety & cleanliness. If I continue to skip meals and purge, I can ruin my kidneys and liver…the same thing that happens with drugs and alcohol.

If you have read this then I want to ask a favor of you… please pray for me to get stronger with my eating disorder…please help me to realize that I am beautiful…that I am good…and that I am needed.

Thanks for reading!

‘2013
—MORE TO COME LATER—

My goodbye to drugs letter

To my drugs of choice,

I am writing you a goodbye letter because I cannot continue to have you in my life. Things are so different without you in my life. I never really got a chance to be myself because you’ve been with me through it all. I first met you after my birth, when I was rushed into surgery, after that you were a stable friend until I was 2 yrs old. We met again when I was 5 and you came into my life with such a sweetness, first being so tender & loving, making sure that I was without any harm, low doses at a time. As I continued to age, you followed in my life’s journey and became my best friend. We played together when I couldn’t go outside on my own, we ate lunch together and sometimes you helped me sleep. (you always had my back)

I remember taking advantage of you when I was 16, not only chasing you with beer, tequila, & wine, but following you with a bit of marijuana to beat. Even though I decided when I turned 19 to stop drinking and get my life back on track, you were there. You helped me hide my darkest demons when I was little & then things changed. I started noticing that you weren’t helping me as much, and you started pulling away from me. I broke up with you after my 2nd child was born, because I just didn’t need you anymore. I found the strength to live without you every day of my life.

In 2000 we met again and you came back with a vengeance! (I guess you missed me as much as I missed you.)

I am now 45 yrs old and I decided to break up with you for good. You weren’t helping me with my pain any longer unless I took more of you at a time. You could have ruined my kidneys and my liver. You could have killed me! I know now that I can live without you in my life. You made me skip my emotions as a child, and as an adult. I am learning who I am without you…and I have to admit that I like who I am today!

So with the end of my letter coming near, I say GOODBYE FOREVER! I am becoming stronger each day that passes and thanks to Heather (Therapist) & Unity (rehab treatment center) I can now hold my head up high and say “HELLO DONNA, YOU ARE GOLDEN.”

‘2013

The Loss of Vincent J. Hahn

I’ve been MIA as far as my posting goes and I’m sorry for that…but I have been going through a lot of different things in my life for the past 3 weeks.

On November 7th, my father-in-law, Vincent J. Hahn passed away…It’s been very hard to deal with this loss, because I was so close to him. You see, my dad, Bill Bender passed away November 15, 2001 (12 yrs ago) and Vince took over the role of loving me and listening to me when I had problems with my life. He would give me 2 hugs each time I saw him…one from him & one from Bill. I got my last hugs from him at the end of October. We (Danielle, Kristina, my grandkids, & I) went to see him and he seemed like he was in good spirits…he had a blast with the grandkids & his great grandkids. I miss him so very much on a daily basis! Just knowing he was in Grand Mound and that I could call or go get a hug from him meant the world to me. I know he was sad and lost when Regina died 2 yrs ago, so I know he is in a better place. I have heard this so many times now that it just seems like we are all on auto pilot listening and responding to that. Please don’t take that wrong, I mean I do appreciate your kind words and support.

I set up a time for David & the family to view him one last time before he was cremated. This helped David so much! getting to say his last goodbyes meant so much to him, he is handling his dads death better than he did his mom’s… I think it’s because of the fact that he got to view his dad one last time. I’m sure his ECT’s (electric shock therapy) are helping him as well. When I walked into the room to see Vince one last time, everything painful came rushing through me, it was so hard to deal with this. I begged my mom to please let me go get high somehow on narcotics and anxiety meds…of course she said no that I needed to deal with this pain the normal way and that is to just feel it all. I swear I don’t remember much from Bill’s funeral because I was so messed up on narcotics and anxiety meds but somehow I was remembering things while I was looking at Vince. It was awful. I felt like I had just lost both of them at the same time. I broke down and David was there to help me get back up. I felt so bad for doing that when I needed to be there for him, but he told me that he understood why I was hurting so much.

The visitation & funeral was on the 19th & 20th. A lot of people showed up for the visitation…Vince was loved by all. His funeral service was beautiful. He had a gun salute from the American Legion & 2 soldiers stood at attention during the service. After it was over, the two soldiers took the American Flag and unfolded it then refolded it & presented it to David. It was a very special presentation. Vince would have been proud. After the service we went to the luncheon with lots of family and friends. Again, the turnout was beautiful. It started raining after we all made it to the luncheon. I took a moment and said, “Thank you God for such a beautiful day”

It’s still been pretty hard to go through this loss…but it does get better day by day. I am still very proud to say that I have stayed clean & sober through it all. Vince would have been very proud of me 🙂 and that makes me feel very warm inside.

Thank you for reading… more to come.

sadness..questions…& life

I spoke with a friend of mine who told me that a lot of people that I was in treatment with have either relapsed, gone to jail, or have passed away. I know the statistics of rehab but it still sent a shock throughout me. I think its my need to fix everything in life. Why are drugs so hard to kick?! Why do they keep making them if so many people are having so many issues with them! I honestly want to work in a rehab facility so I can show them that DRUGS & ALCOHOL DOES KILL PEOPLE!!!!

There was this guy (I’ll call him Bob-because I don’t want to say his actual name) Bob, he is 25yrs old…well I got pretty close to him in treatment… (not in a romantic way but in a motherly way) I swear he had his head on straight!  this was his 2nd time in rehab.  He told me he was 100% sure that he was done with the stuff! well….I found out today that he’s been using again…and it has taken his life away…he’s not dead..but he’s in jail looking at a long time there…armed robbery. Its just so sad because he had such a good life before drugs! His family loved him..he was engaged..he has his own business!..& now his life has turned for the worst.

God..please watch over all the sick & sufffering addicts & alcoholics that need your help.  Please guide them to your path and show them that life can be and will be so much better for them if they just ask for your help.

I did some research on the sleeve that I was talking about the other night..& with what I read along with some help from family, friends, &y therapist i have decided not to do it. I CAN & WILL do this journey the safe way.

As many of you ready know, I was tested with my addiction last week, I found some prescription meds & proved to myself that I CAN do this!! I am very proud of myself especially since I have been experiencing back pain lately.

Ok its time to go into Church now so I’m done for today…more to come later!

love you all!

My dilemma

So I’ve been talking to a great friend of mine about my life today…I’m being extreme mean to myself…I’m tired of having an eating disorder! well of having the eating disorder that I have anyways…I wish I was thin! I wish I wasn’t scared of being thin! I start losing weight and then I get scared that someone is going to hurt me. (physically anyway…)

Remember when I said I was molested…well I was thinner then..and my grandfather used to tell me that as long as I was thin I was going to be harmed by men. (of course he was one of them) he stopped hurting me after I started gaining weight.

I did it..I finally made myself so ugly that no boy in school would look at me in a desirable way! (until the got to know my personality then they would ask me out or ask me to be their gf)..anyway I started hating myself overweight & decided to start losing weight again. I lost a lot real fast and an old guy told me that he wished he was younger because he would love to ravish me! yep I panicked!! still didn’t gain tons of weight but I did gain some.  I was raped at 19 & that did it!  I started another eating disorder again..this time I was binge eating & sometimes would purge or restrict.  well to make a long story short – I gained lots of weight and now I’m 100% not happy!

I mean I have lost lots of weight in the past and I look great when I do! (you can tell by some of my pictures that I have shared on FB…but I always manage to gain it back – THEN PLUS SOME! it upsets me! I am sick of it! by doing it the right way this time I have managed to keep it off longer! I’m very very proud of myself! but I’m not losing it fast enough…. so, I’ve been thinking about doing the gastric sleeve….its been on my mind ALL night! I want a quick fix! I want to go to sleep (thanks to anesthesia) fat – and wake up thin! Now please don’t get me wrong! I know that will NEVER happen! I will have to work on a diet and eat small amounts of food….which isn’t really going to be easy doing this with an eating disorder! It’s hard to eat 3 meals right  now as it is…because I am so full all the time. So I restrict food…skipping either breakfast or lunch…and having a reasonable supper. (meaning not huge!) and I’m full for the rest of the night.

When I was in Renfrew & in Iowa City Hospital (eating disorder clinics) I learned that I HAVE to eat 3 meals, 1 snack & dessert DAILY but UGH!!!! I don’t want to do this! I have stopped purging (which is huge for me, because I would ALWAYS eat something big and go throw it up so I didn’t feel guilty about being so HUGE).

I just don’t know what to do to be honest with you….I just don’t know if I should do the sleeve, or just follow the guidelines that both Clinics have shown me.  I mean I AM losing weight… I’ve lost a total of 47 lbs since July (when I entered rehab… I started purging and restricting a LOT when I was there.)

I’m going to do some research on the sleeve and decide what to do… I’ll keep you updated on what I decide. Please give me some of your thoughts on this…as I need all the help I can get with this decision. —– I don’t feel pretty inside and out…I know that I have a great personality (per my family and friends) but it’s not enough for me… I want to be BEAUTIFUL all the way around!

—-more to come later—-

Life is hard

Life is hard sometimes–crazy, mixed up, messed up. and there you are, in the middle of it all, just doing your thing.. being strong and brave and beautiful like it’s no big deal.

But let me tell you! It is! not everyone can do what you can do. Not everyone can handle things the way you can.

While you wonder sometimes if you’re doing ok…the rest of us are just watching in wonder!

“Beginning Recovery is about Discovering the Self”

~*~ Recovery is about addiction, but it is about much more: it is about finding out who you are and coming to a deeper understanding of your self.

~*~ When we were addicted, our connection to our self was cut off.

~*~ We first begin to discover ourselves in recovery by acknowledging our addiction.

~*~ This is a paradox of recovery: we being to heal ourselves by first identifying with the addiction that has damaged the self.

~*~ When we go to meetings, we introduce ourselves with, “Hello, my name is ______. I am an alcoholic or I am an addict” (it can even be both) This first identification with our addiction helps us begin the process of looking at self.

~*~ Later, as our recovery continues, we find that this identification is only one aspect of self.

~*~ Identifying honestly with our addiction may be our first opportunity to think about ourselves, to ask the question, who am I?

~*~ This question leads us to a deeper understanding of the self to what is changeless and unique about each of us.

~*~ To start to discover your unique identity you might begin to make a list of words that describe who you are. Leave out words like Mother, Wife, Daughter, Father, Husband, Son, and job titles.

~*~ These words describe some of the roles you play, but not who you are.

~*~ This process urges you to go deeper inward to ask yourself, Who am I? What words describe what is unique about me?

“Being Restored to Sanity Means Being Restored To Our Deepest Selves”

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A picture is worth 1000 words. This safe has been through a lot. Its been beaten, rained on, snowed on, pissed on, & shit on!….. welcome to my story. Image credit: “safe” – © 2007 Paul Keller – made available under Attribution 2.0 Generic